True

Do Not

(Photo credit unknown)

Perception is Not Reality

It's 2am and I can't sleep. Again. This insomnia thing is really hanging on for dear life. I hate being up at this time of night. Except for the consistent sound of traffic outside my window, I feel isolated~ not lonely, just awake on my own, with no one to talk to... and so I play out what is in my head onto this blank page. Lulu is asleep, upside down and with her paws covering her face, at the end of my bed. I can see Christmas lights glowing in the apartment across the alley. They keep them on all night, every night. And I'm thinking about people.

It is a lesson I would rather not learn over and over again and yet I do. Why are people never in reality the way I see them in my mind? I know that sounds weird and I don't mean it in a bizarre, controlling way. More in a disappointed, seriously?! way. It is so easy to think you know someone when you have seen them over a long period of time. You don't even have to really know each other and yet from repeated interaction you feel you know them, what they are really like, what kind of person they seem to be, what they value. 

And then you find out things that are so absolutely to the contrary, that they are not at all what you had thought they were for years. It is such a shock, a loss even, because the person you thought existed, in fact, doesn't. It was all simply made up, or perceived (incorrectly), in your mind. Remember that stupid old adage, "you can't judge a book by its cover?" Here is mine... you can't know what someone is like without actually knowing them. I would like to assume that everyone I seem to know and like are sweet, kind, shy, nice. Reality check? They aren't. This is not cynicism. This is growing up and learning yet another lesson. One I value.

So maybe it's okay... no, maybe it's really freakin' good I don't truly know these people in the first place. Disappointment, be damned. 

(Image via Vi.sualize, song lyric Bixby Canyon Bridge by Death Cab for Cutie)

Moments

Life is made up of millions of little moments. Some are good, some you forget in an instant and others are so memorable they give you chills and you are pretty sure they are seared in your mind for a lifetime. I love these moments. They often come out of nowhere, occur when you least expect them and are gone just as fast. Nonetheless, they are magical. 

They are the truly good stuff of life. 

I had one of these moments last week and I keep re-running it through my mind. It was just a snippet of time, two minutes and no more in a dim coatcheck room. I can't stop thinking of it. Sometimes it seems as if two humans really are meant to connect with each other, on an unspoken level beyond normal social niceties. No words were really needed. I'm not even speaking of a physical moment, just a small snatch of seconds. To want to re-create that with this person is understandable but will it then ruin the rarity of that potent moment? 

Would trying to re-enact the moment only serve to detract from it? 

The thing with moments like these is that they are so specific to one person. They are mine and mine alone. They completely symbolize the singularity of the human condition. No one else can know the feeling of the hundreds of these incredible moments in my life.

 And I really really love that. 

(Photo via Flickr)

The Resentment of Change

Change. I know it is inevitable. Time ticks by, things change, the world moves on. I understand that with change there is progress and without that we wouldn't live in the amazing world we live in today. But why does progress sometimes come at the cost of good? I hate change sometimes and it sickens me  to see things I love being ruined and taken away for the purpose of... nothing. This may sound trite but all I see around me sometimes is greed and money and commercialism taking over. 

When I was little we lived on a street and at one end of the street was a fence. On the other side of that fence was a big, undeveloped lot with an ancient farmhouse and cows grazing in the grass. The neighbourhood kids would walk along the top of the fence and wiggle through a loose board to romp in the huge, wildly overgrown field. It was heaven for a child. Our own kingdom, to explore and play and dream in. I still drive through that neighbourhood to look at two of the houses we lived in there and where I grew up but the farm yard is long gone. Pavement and cookie cutter houses stand in its place. 

Yesterday brought back the sadness I feel whenever I see the over developed neighbourhood of my childhood. There was this house that stood on the corner of the neighbourhood where I went to school. It stood behind huge columns of trees and an imposing gate at the front so that you could barely ever get a good look at it, but I used to babysit two doors down and would walk the kids by it whenever I got the chance. It was huge and dark and dramatic, a house out of movies rather than the bland suburban neighbourhood it stood in. I always wondered what it looked like inside. Was it bigger than it looked from outside the gate... or was it much smaller, like re-visiting a place you loved as a kid and realizing it is, in fact, tiny. Was it as grand as it looked, or just ordinary? I worshipped that house and everything it represented to me 

as a child. 

Yesterday I drove by. In the passenger seat of my mom's car, I was gazing out the window when I saw... the emptiness. It had been torn down. I gasped. It made my stomach clench in repulsion. That beautiful house gone and for what? So that, like the rest of Richmond, it can be developed into three tiny, stupid, generic townhouses cramped onto one lot. I have witnessed the constant over development and changing of my hometown with a fair amount of ambivalence up until now. I, for the most part, understand (if not embrace) change. But this was too much. This was the destruction of a dream, the tearing down of a mythical palace from a little girl's imagination. I can't truly express how much it saddened me. Why do things that are so beautiful get torn down? How can the city allow that to happen? 

Today I hate change. And the developers that will stick up those ridiculous townhouses. Shame on them. These are days when I am proud that money doesn't mean everything to me. 

Today I hate change. 

(Photo via Paper Tissue)

I Believe

I have to believe in this. It just will be. 

Forgetting

Here's the thing....getting over someone is an amazing thing. In the beginning you think it will never happen. You've never met anyone like them, you miss them, their voice, their smile, their everything. You'll never find anyone as cool, smart, deep (dysfunctional, selfish, narrow minded). All you want is to go back. Rewind to the happier times, simpler times, or maybe even rewind to before they entered your life so you wouldn't feel like this now. Time goes by. You eventually put the ice cream carton (vodka, chocolate, sweat pants) away and start to go out with your girlfriends. You start to notice other men again~ cute men who look back at you. You don't think of him every waking moment and things that reminded you of him only days ago, those things start to fade, lose significance. 

Getting over someone is an amazing thing. You think it will never happen, that you'll never forget. But you do. Life is wonderful that way. Time heals (pretty much) all wounds. Human nature pokes its head through the earth and you start to feel like yourself again~ lovable, worthy, ready. What hurt weeks ago is now a dull ache in the back of your mind....and that too fades eventually. Getting over someone feels powerful, like you mastered a challenge. And you did. You are choosing to value yourself over someone who you are not meant to be with (no matter how cool, smart, deep). Choose yourself, every time. 

Getting over someone. It will happen, despite what it feels like in the beginning. Just give it time. I promise. Life looks better on the other side of it. And once again, anything is possible.

Ally Redhead? Maybe Not Right Now...

I am not really a redhead anymore. 

And I don't know how to feel about it. 

I got my hair coloured for only the second time in my life yesterday. I was nervous going to the salon because the first time I had my colour done it was a very very dramatic change~ my light red hair going to a very dark reddish brown. I didn't feel like me. I felt like someone else looking in the mirror. Red hair is hard to dye and the colour washed out eventually but lately I've been in the mood for a change again. I had a colour consultation two weeks ago where the stylist and I carefully selected my shade from sample books and a picture. I was thinking Kate Walsh (Private Practice) red, even Ashlee Simpson red. A pretty, richer, slightly darker red. I was told the change would be fairly subtle, only to cover the persistent (and annoying) grey at my temples and even out the last of the colour from my previous process. 

Hmmmmm..... subtle it is not. The two shade difference we discussed is more like ten shades different. Or more. And again I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. Who is that dark haired girl? I don't even feel like me. I spent way too much time staring into my closet today, debating what to wear. I need brighter colour to counteract the darkness of the hair~ not to mention far more make up so I don't appear washed out. 

Ugh. Too. Much. Thinking.

I'm not the type who cries during haircuts (I always want to smack those girls on America's Next Top Model) or freaks out over the odd split end. Hair is hair. It grows, it changes. I trust the professionals. Am I crazy about my hair right now? Uh, no. I wanted what I asked for and that I didn't get. It's disappointing sometimes to put your faith in someone when they don't deliver their end of the deal. Have I learned yet another lesson? Yep. Clearly when it comes to my hair I have to be an aggressive, persistent bugger. I need to state exactly what I want and not budge a bit, not even a shade. I have another appointment booked in 8 weeks. Hopefully the worst will be washed out by then and we can start this cycle again..... 

just in time for Christmas. 

Photos may be provided soon of the new 'do but they have yet to be taken..... we'll see. 

Niceness

Brave

My advice to you: Be brave in your life. You truly only get one shot and to live your days scared is to waste those days. Be honest with yourself. Like, deeply honest. What do you want out of your life? What do you want right now? Try. Do. Go for it. I'm normally not this "ra ra ra" (that's my cheerleader impression), but this week something happened...

Here is my life lesson: I'm normally the kind of person that puts pride above honesty. If I feel hurt, like a wounded bird, I run (fly?) from the situation. I'm not normally brave either. I hate admitting my feelings, confrontation or asking for what I want. I was forced (by myself) to do all that this week and it was exhilarating to be so scarily honest. I never ever thought that asking for what I wanted would yield that result. I thought it was best to slink away. 

Here is what I learned. Sometimes being brave is just that. Acting courageous. Bravery does not guarantee that the situation will turn out as you hoped. But isn't it amazing to know that you were bold enough to try? True enough to yourself to ask for what you want? Even if you try and it doesn't work be proud for valuing yourself enough to ask. As someone super wise once said (have to find this quote, note to self), if you don't ask, the answer is always no. 

Be brave in your life. Just try it. You might like it.

 And if you already are~ I want to be like you when I grow up. 

Green Monster

Jealousy, envy, coveting~ whatever you call it, it's a nasty feeling. However, some days that evil green monster overtakes me. It's hard not to get caught up in comparisons sometimes but it's a thought pattern that can easily spiral out of control. Why does she have a better job than me? Why does she have more money? Why does she have a boyfriend? Why do things come so easily to her? It's easy to let these thoughts slip into our brains somedays, when we are feeling particularly vulnerable or low. It's a weakness that is sometimes a pleasurable pain to give into. Isn't jealousy just self pity at it's worst? 

In my 20s I got so caught up in what I didn't have and what others did. I always wanted more and often that green monster wrecked my day. Perspective. There will always always be people out there who are more successful, are better looking and have lots of money. Some people seem to have a charmed life on the surface and yet it doesn't mean they don't have the same doubts and insecurities (and jealousies!!) that others have. We all experience the same human emotions. Coveting what others have is a waste of time. A waste of your life! If there is something you want to change, get out there and try to do it instead of indulging in moments of pity (okay, give yourself that moment and then kick your butt out the door). It's a lesson I constantly have to learn~ but it's easier to get over now. Besides, you never know. While I am coveting fabulous blond girl's stupendous legs..... 

maybe, just maybe, she is in envy of my hair. 

Resolutions

Okay, okay, by now you've got it. I'm officially 30. This new decade has made me want to turn over a new leaf and have a fresh start. Life has been weird lately and I refuse to do "weirdness" anymore. It's time to be smart, make better choices and wiser decisions. It's time to follow my head and my instincts instead of ignoring those gut feelings and being careless about my life and my feelings. In other words, it's high time to have that fresh start as a more together, directed person. This birthday has made me come up with a few resolutions for my life (which I never come up with on New Years Eve) and here are a few:

1. Be a more consistently thoughtful person to the people in my life. Selfish is lame and it's a narrow way to live. To see how my friends and family went out of their way for me, above and beyond, for my surprise birthday party yesterday (more on that later) made me cry like a child, again and again. No amount of money on earth can buy that thoughtfulness. I'm determined to be a more present and accountable friend, daughter, sister, etc. and try to make the lives of the people around me as lovely as they make mine. Small gestures, big ones~ whatever it takes.

2. Be patient, live my life a day at a time, get out of my head so much and enjoy every little step. Sometimes I try to run before I walk and then I make a mess of myself when I fall. Be present in the everyday.

3. Don't put up with junk I know I don't deserve and be prepared to walk away from lousy situations with integrity.

4. Focus on the future, career wise. It's time to think and decide what I'm going to do with myself, be it writing, Education or something else I may stumble upon that I love. I need to stop ignoring it because it scares me and chase those dreams.

5. Work at being happy, because there is truly so much to be happy about. Life is good.

Break Up No More

Have you ever had a friend break-up? They are sad and angst-y and often ridiculous and far harder than any break-up I've ever had with a man. But girls are girls and things happen, feelings get hurt and people drift apart. It's inevitable. Luckily, when girls truly care about each other deep down anything can happen and reconnecting, even after months and months, is possible. I feel incredibly lucky today to have one of my best friends back in my life. We could have yelled and screamed and blamed each other for what went wrong, but we did not. We giggled and gossiped~ things girls do! She is one more reason I feel wildly fortunate. 

If you've ever gone through a friend break-up and still think of that person, do yourself a favour, swallow your pride (saving face is unimportant next to having a true friend) and contact them. An email just to let them know you miss them in your life could be what changes everything. It's so worth it. 

Perception

(Image via Paper Tissue)