Hello 2010

I've never been very good at either nailing down meaningful New Years resolutions or then keeping them, for that matter. My half hearted attempts at trying to change my careless spending habits and penchant for junk food usually collapse by about January 3. No joke. I really like shopping and sugar. 

As we head into a new year and I get to shed this 364 day old one, it is impossible to ignore the hope of a fresh start. I get to leave old disappointments behind, have yet more distance from bad choices and wipe my hands clean of 2009. A new decade, a world of new possibilities. Anything can happen. 

My resolutions for 2010 are less about ceasing shopping and more about continuing to shape the person I'm trying to become. Yes, at 30 I'm still very much evolving, and turning (I hope) into a person I can be proud to be. A person who will one day be a sound and steady mate and the best and most patient of mothers (like mine). A person who will be a more thoughtful and level daughter and a more generous and kind friend. A person who looks at the glass as half full and tries to live every day as if it counts (because it does). 

Dear 2010,

I have no idea what yet to expect from you, but you are a gift so I hope you are wonderful. See you in a day. I'll be the one in sequins.

Love, Ally Redhead

Resolutions for 2010

1. Stop procrastinating. No one ever got anything done by burying their head in the sand. Be an adult and do the things that you don't want to do, because they have to get done. Call the student loan centre, apply for jobs, straighten things out at UBC. I am the worst procrastinator and it needs to stop. In another day (ha ha). 

2. Be a more thoughtful and generous person. Be the first one to pick up the phone or contact a friend you want to see, instead of waiting for them to get in touch with you. Send birthday cards. Give genuine compliments. Be generous of spirit. Kindness is the nicest gift of all.

3. Stop dwelling on the "what might have been" and live the life I have been given. Live for today and its realities. Don't look back and don't regret. Don't make someone a priority when they barely make me an option. Embrace the future, the unknown, new possibilities and the endless fish in the sea. 

4. Stop self obsessing. The world isn't about me. Stop thinking it is so personal. Stop taking everything so personally. Get out of this head, stop being selfish and look at the wide world in front of me. 

5. Be more positive, work on being happy. For some people this is easy and for me it is work. Not work exactly, but not... simple. Work on being happy. Take pleasure in the little things, like seeing a cute raccoon at night while I walk to my car or my daily yummy Starbucks or one of my favourite songs on the radio or Lulu biting my toes. Don't descend into that dark space but try very hard to stay buoyant and positive. 

(Stay tuned... there may be more as they come to me!) 

Dreams

Sometimes I dream of a little girl named Lyla. She has red hair and a loud laugh and she is full of joy and dreams. And then I wake up. 

(Sometimes I dream of Lyla's daddy too, but I can't see his face yet. Sometimes I think I can hear his voice but it's never quite clear.)

Trust

Despite being the big 3-0 I am about as naive as they come about many things in this life. I've never grown a thick outer shell over the years to protect me. I trust implicitly and let people into my life and into my heart without fear or hesitation or doubt. This has caused me to get hurt (and feel wildly stupid), many many times. Platonic girlfriends and bad boyfriends alike have been welcomed into my heart only for me to pay the price weeks, months, years later when things go wrong. 

I never wanted to be the kind of person who put up walls, who judged others or who didn't take a chance on someone. However, sometimes I don't listen to my instincts either. Should that change? Do I have to become the sort of person who lets no one in? Do I have to maintain my close circle and never take a chance on anyone else? Sometimes I think this would be okay (I have amazing people in my life) if it meant I avoided pain and disappointment. This reminds me of my favourite quote, "Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt." Oh, Kurt Vonnegut, you got it right. That is the life I want to lead. 

Today is a new day. While I woke up with a heavy heart I know that it is for the best that it is so. I tried. I opened myself to something I believed in and I'm proud of myself for that. Should I have nipped it in the bud at the start? Rejected this event in my life? Maybe. But I didn't. I refused to put up those walls and despite the aforementioned heavy heart, I'm glad I was open to what life had to offer me. I'm trusting, I'm loving and it gets me into trouble. But I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I'm open to love and open to life. 

This is the greatest adventure of all. 

Reconnection

The most amazing thing happened to me today. I am giddy with it. I woke up to a typical Sunday morning. My roommate/brother is touring so the apartment was mine alone. I was blissfully lazy, laying in bed while on my laptop. Facebook. Oh, Facebook. Such a love/hate relationship. Today I am grateful for it. 

I had a friend request, intriguing in itself. The name was so familiar. Unfathomable. I blinked in shock, genuinely stunned. My childhood best friend. A friend I only knew for a year in grade 4 before she moved away and I was left behind, devastated and heartbroken in the way you can only be when you are a kid of nine. This was long before the advent of computers in every household, email addresses and convenience. It was not like it is now, where people can maintain daily friendships from across the world. I never saw Sarah again. I think there was one letter and one phone call in the ensuing twenty years. Until today. 

We have been reunited after two decades and while in reality we are utter strangers, we have a hazy past that binds us, fuzzy memories that connect us across this continent, from Vancouver to Florida. I have one photo stored away in a box where I keep special things. It is her birthday party and we are doing a dance routine in poodle skirts (was it a dress up party? I guess so). I am doing the splits. The photo is fuzzy, in the way all photos were then. I must find it. Life has sent us in completely different directions but I don't think that matters. We are still those little girls somewhere inside us. The gift of technology has given us the chance to be friends again and I am beyond thrilled at the amazing opportunity. Hi, Sarah! 

Take that, Facebook doubters. 

Alone

Sometimes it is okay to feel really alone in this life. It's kind of true. We are, in fact, alone. Before you think I'm crazy, I need to say this isn't as depressing a thought as it sounds. We can fill our lives with people and places, but at the end of the day we are alone in our own minds. We are the only one who understands us. We are the only one who knows what goes on in our heads. We are the only ones it is safe to tell everything and anything to. It is okay. At times in this life I have felt really alone, in the worst sense, like maybe no one would ever understand me on a profound level or want to know me on that level. There are still days I am frustrated by how surface life can seem, how nothing seems to be real. Why are some things so fake? 

It's hard to learn these lessons sometimes but they are also incredibly valuable. Friends and family are wonderful but I am getting to be okay with myself. I don't particularly like feeling alone (despite loving and needing "me" time), but I'm getting to be more and more okay with it. As I grow (up? scary thought) I'm getting to like the person in this head more and more and that makes it easier to be solitary in these thoughts. Alone. Why is it such a scary concept? Why does it freak people (me) out? It doesn't have to be such a depressing concept. We are our own person. We need to like who we are, first and foremost. Get to know who you are when you are alone sometime. Be comfortable with yourself. It's not so bad. 

Palm Springs Style

After brunching with my gorgeous friend Christina today we wandered through Yaletown and into (wait for it.... where else?) The Cross, naturally. Knowing me as thoroughly as they do and being as thoughtful friends as they are, both Christina and my roommate Nicole bought me gift cards to my "happy place" for my 30th a few weeks ago. Now, normally gift cards of any kind burn a hole in my pocket so intensely that they need to be spent within days (the gift of shopping, what could be better?), but this time I wanted to select pieces that meant something to me, something of significance rather than an item I just thought was pretty (not that I suddenly have issues with pretty, no way). After three laps of the store I bought the 

very thing I knew I had to have.

 Since I was a little girl my favourite stories told to me my parents or my sweetest memories involve Palm Springs. Long before I was born my parents, aunt and uncle and grandparents would migrate to the desert two hours outside of Los Angeles to soak up the sun on vacation from drizzly, grey Vancouver. I was ten the first time I went and that trip still sticks out vividly in my memory. I had never seen such beauty in my life~ the ruddy San Jacinto mountains, thrilling palm trees and manicured lawns, sparkling swimming pools and, best of all, the air heavy with the scent of lemon and orange blossom from all the fruit trees everywhere. It was magical, and continues to be so for me and my family to this day. We can talk endlessly about "the desert" and where we will go, stay, dine the next time we visit. 

The book Palm Springs Style has been in my Amazon cart for ages but today I decided to snap it up in person. Even flipping through the glossy pages and admiring the beautiful photographs makes me giddily happy. Palm Springs was the most chic and decadent of getaways for the movie stars of the 40s and 50s (my parents pointed out Frank Sinatra's house to me on my first visit), yet it experienced a decline in popularity in the more recent decades. However, in the last few years its glory has been revived. Many iconic hotels have been renovated and redecorated and none more spectacularly than the Viceroy. Decorated by famed interior designer (and Vogue regular) Kelly Wearstler, it has been transformed into a quirkily glamourous resort and spa~ and has again become a playground for the young and beautiful Hollywood set. The book, for me, is one part childhood memory and two parts luxurious fantasy~ and I can't wait to one day soak up the desert heat from one of the Viceroy's poolside loungers! 

Brave

My advice to you: Be brave in your life. You truly only get one shot and to live your days scared is to waste those days. Be honest with yourself. Like, deeply honest. What do you want out of your life? What do you want right now? Try. Do. Go for it. I'm normally not this "ra ra ra" (that's my cheerleader impression), but this week something happened...

Here is my life lesson: I'm normally the kind of person that puts pride above honesty. If I feel hurt, like a wounded bird, I run (fly?) from the situation. I'm not normally brave either. I hate admitting my feelings, confrontation or asking for what I want. I was forced (by myself) to do all that this week and it was exhilarating to be so scarily honest. I never ever thought that asking for what I wanted would yield that result. I thought it was best to slink away. 

Here is what I learned. Sometimes being brave is just that. Acting courageous. Bravery does not guarantee that the situation will turn out as you hoped. But isn't it amazing to know that you were bold enough to try? True enough to yourself to ask for what you want? Even if you try and it doesn't work be proud for valuing yourself enough to ask. As someone super wise once said (have to find this quote, note to self), if you don't ask, the answer is always no. 

Be brave in your life. Just try it. You might like it.

 And if you already are~ I want to be like you when I grow up. 

Frank Gehry for Tiffany&Co.

For my 30th a few weeks ago my grandmother wanted me to have something significant to mark the occasion. I was happy to oblige with selecting something meaningful to me, as my mother told me my grandmother's wishes as we were wandering through Tiffany & Co (for the record we don't just hit up Tiffany on a normal basis, we were picking out my amazing key, my birthday gift from my parents). I tried on everything I could get my hands on that seemed under a billion dollars~ necklaces with baby diamonds dotted through them, gorgeous and chunky bangles, but I knew I wanted a ring. And I knew just the man to provide me with that. 

I've been lusting for a piece of Frank Gehry's collection for Tiffany since its launch several years ago. Gehry, a Toronto born architect, is a master at his profession (look at this amazingness) and teamed with the company to design a line of jewelry reminiscent of his iconic designs. The line is everything you would expect and delight in from an architect~ strong, sculptural, interesting, detailed. It was dang hard to pick but I chose the open Torque ring in sterling silver and I have yet to take it off. While my personality and taste in jewelry is decidedly more feminine and delicate most of the time, I adore the strong lines and clean, modern simplicity of the ring. 

While not inexpensive, Gehry's collection for Tiffany provides pieces that you will be drawn to and want to wear forever. His designs are absolutely wearable art. Next up? I'm lusting after his amazing Torque bangle, above. And I don't want to wait until the next big birthday! 

The ring I selected, and love, the Open Torque ring

Another incredible bangle, like the bigger version of my ring

Visit the Frank Gehry Collection at Tiffany.

A Few More From The Dirty 30

Humor me! My lovely girlfriend Christina kept taking photos long after my camera battery died the night of my 30th surprise party and I couldn't resist posting a few group shots I didn't have before! 

ps- The party was supposed to be a White Party, as it's my favourite thing to wear in the world! See how much my BFF knows me? 

Thank you, Berg, for the fabulous photos! I love you! 

My Dirty Thirty

My amazing best friend Leah organized the sweetest of birthday surprises for me yesterday. Despite my constant protestations that I wanted to do exactly "nothing" and that it was my "un-birthday" (very Alice in Wonderland) she lovingly ignored me and threw me a surprise birthday party! Held at Yew at The Four Seasons Hotel, I cocktailed and dined the evening away with my closest girlfriends, the loveliest and kindest of women, and felt utterly spoiled and loved. I haven't had a birthday party since I was a little girl so it was truly wonderful to be surrounded by the people I love most in this world! To Leah and my incredible friends~ thank you for making my birthday so special and even more, for being in my life! To my amazing and supportive parents~ thank you for being who you are and making my concept of family so wonderful. I love you all.

xoxoxo

Quote of the Day~ Birthday Edition

"No wise man ever wished to be younger."
-Jonathan Swift

"Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be."
-Robert Browning

"Age is a high price to pay for maturity."
-Tom Stoppard

"Everything I know I learned after 30."
-Georges Clemenceau

"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."
-Unknown

"In the end it's not the years in your life, it's the life in your years."
-Abraham Lincoln

"There are 364 days when you might get un-birthday presents... and only one for birthday presents you know."
-Lewis Carroll

"May you live all the days of your life."
-Jonathan Swift

(Photo via Paper Tissue)

Dear 30

Dear 30,

Hi! I know you are going to be amazing. The best decade so far. I have a feeling this is going to be a piece of cake, 30s. So welcome to my life. 

xo Ally

ps~ Today is going to be filled with family and friends, laughter, love, food, cocktails~ I can't wait! 

Dear 30

Dear 30,

Why did you smack me in the face with panic last weekend? I thought we were going to get along just fine and then you made me into a monster in a matter of a day. Why, 30, why? I was forced to go home and eat candy and chocolate in a matter of minutes. And then I felt worse. I buried my face in Lulu's fur trying to feel something other than, well, weirdness, but even that didn't work. I went to bed early and woke up feeling slightly more human because, 30, I realized I don't have to have it all figured out the day I meet you. I don't have to have any grand answers. I don't have to feel all this pressure to keep up with those darned proverbial Jones's. I am only me and I can only do what I can do right now. My goals and my dreams are still there and they are still attainable. And one day I will meet them too. 

So, 30, back off and stop trying to rile me up. We're good. See you next Thursday. 

xo Ally 

(Photo via Paper Tissue)

Dear 30

Dear 30,

You will be here in just a few short weeks and I thought I would be more scared to meet you. I mean, I'm a little scared, but not too much. Not stick-botox-in-my-forehead, oh-god-my-metabolism-is-going-to-hell-and-I'm-going-to-gain-thousands-of-pounds, is-that-another-grey-hair scared. Just mildly nervous and certainly a tiny bit sad to say good bye to my 20's. 

Oh, 20's, you have been quite the adventure. I have learned so much from everything you dropped in my lap in the last 9 3/4 years. And, oh my, have I learned. And learned. I would not give back one day. Some people say they have no regrets. I think those people are robots. I have tons of regrets, but I think those are the things you learn from. If you don't realize a mistake when you make it how can you possibly avoid it the next time? Mmmm hmmmm. Yep.

Oh sweet 20's. You have been so up and down, silly 20's. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for Europe- twice- and being so happy on a train from London to Paris that I cried. Thank you for those bad boyfriends, who made me stronger and made me see the good ones out there. Thank you for, at 29, having four of the best girlfriends in the entire world, girls I could not possibly ever imagine living without ever again. (Who knew girls were nice? I didn't! Until now.) Thank you for Japanese straight perms, long wear lipstick, skinny jeans and brothers with good taste in music. 

So good bye, 20's. I won't be seeing you again, but it was nice knowing you. I will miss you a little because I will no longer be able to flip to the 20's section in the annual Age Issue in Vogue. I will no longer be able to listen to Slow Show in quite the same way (you know I dreamed about you, for 29 years, before I saw you). I will no longer have the excuse of being young and dumb! You tested me, 20's, but I'm glad for it. Without the lows I wouldn't be able to appreciate the highs. 

Hello, 30. I'll meet you in a few weeks but you're not so scary. There is still so much to come. And that I look forward to more than anything. 

xo Ally 

ps- Hey 30, I think I need new shoes. Pass it along.