Despite being the big 3-0 I am about as naive as they come about many things in this life. I've never grown a thick outer shell over the years to protect me. I trust implicitly and let people into my life and into my heart without fear or hesitation or doubt. This has caused me to get hurt (and feel wildly stupid), many many times. Platonic girlfriends and bad boyfriends alike have been welcomed into my heart only for me to pay the price weeks, months, years later when things go wrong.
I never wanted to be the kind of person who put up walls, who judged others or who didn't take a chance on someone. However, sometimes I don't listen to my instincts either. Should that change? Do I have to become the sort of person who lets no one in? Do I have to maintain my close circle and never take a chance on anyone else? Sometimes I think this would be okay (I have amazing people in my life) if it meant I avoided pain and disappointment. This reminds me of my favourite quote, "Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt." Oh, Kurt Vonnegut, you got it right. That is the life I want to lead.
Today is a new day. While I woke up with a heavy heart I know that it is for the best that it is so. I tried. I opened myself to something I believed in and I'm proud of myself for that. Should I have nipped it in the bud at the start? Rejected this event in my life? Maybe. But I didn't. I refused to put up those walls and despite the aforementioned heavy heart, I'm glad I was open to what life had to offer me. I'm trusting, I'm loving and it gets me into trouble. But I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm open to love and open to life.
This is the greatest adventure of all.
I know what it's like to feel wildly stupid due to trusting the wrong people or trusting the right person with the wrong things. It happened so often, I just became totally reserved. No more being hurt by people but lonliness is just as hard.
ReplyDeleteI have often felt naive in the past when I've put myself (and my heart) on the line only to be disappointed. But like you, I am so glad that I chose not to give up, shut down, or put up walls...I think that would be an empty and lonely life. I'm proud of you for not losing faith, and being so courageous.
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