Broken

(Photo via Vi.sualize)

Quote of the Day

"You think you know someone. You think you know what they're about, what they feel, how they think. And then in one action, one moment, you think "they've changed". But then the realization sinks in. It's not the person who's changed, it's your perception of them that's changed. They are the same person they were, it's how you view them that's changed. And it makes you think... did you ever really know them at all, or were they merely the creation of what you wanted them to be?"

-Henry David Thoreau

(thank you, jenka)

Perception is Not Reality

It's 2am and I can't sleep. Again. This insomnia thing is really hanging on for dear life. I hate being up at this time of night. Except for the consistent sound of traffic outside my window, I feel isolated~ not lonely, just awake on my own, with no one to talk to... and so I play out what is in my head onto this blank page. Lulu is asleep, upside down and with her paws covering her face, at the end of my bed. I can see Christmas lights glowing in the apartment across the alley. They keep them on all night, every night. And I'm thinking about people.

It is a lesson I would rather not learn over and over again and yet I do. Why are people never in reality the way I see them in my mind? I know that sounds weird and I don't mean it in a bizarre, controlling way. More in a disappointed, seriously?! way. It is so easy to think you know someone when you have seen them over a long period of time. You don't even have to really know each other and yet from repeated interaction you feel you know them, what they are really like, what kind of person they seem to be, what they value. 

And then you find out things that are so absolutely to the contrary, that they are not at all what you had thought they were for years. It is such a shock, a loss even, because the person you thought existed, in fact, doesn't. It was all simply made up, or perceived (incorrectly), in your mind. Remember that stupid old adage, "you can't judge a book by its cover?" Here is mine... you can't know what someone is like without actually knowing them. I would like to assume that everyone I seem to know and like are sweet, kind, shy, nice. Reality check? They aren't. This is not cynicism. This is growing up and learning yet another lesson. One I value.

So maybe it's okay... no, maybe it's really freakin' good I don't truly know these people in the first place. Disappointment, be damned. 

(Image via Vi.sualize, song lyric Bixby Canyon Bridge by Death Cab for Cutie)

The Resentment of Change

Change. I know it is inevitable. Time ticks by, things change, the world moves on. I understand that with change there is progress and without that we wouldn't live in the amazing world we live in today. But why does progress sometimes come at the cost of good? I hate change sometimes and it sickens me  to see things I love being ruined and taken away for the purpose of... nothing. This may sound trite but all I see around me sometimes is greed and money and commercialism taking over. 

When I was little we lived on a street and at one end of the street was a fence. On the other side of that fence was a big, undeveloped lot with an ancient farmhouse and cows grazing in the grass. The neighbourhood kids would walk along the top of the fence and wiggle through a loose board to romp in the huge, wildly overgrown field. It was heaven for a child. Our own kingdom, to explore and play and dream in. I still drive through that neighbourhood to look at two of the houses we lived in there and where I grew up but the farm yard is long gone. Pavement and cookie cutter houses stand in its place. 

Yesterday brought back the sadness I feel whenever I see the over developed neighbourhood of my childhood. There was this house that stood on the corner of the neighbourhood where I went to school. It stood behind huge columns of trees and an imposing gate at the front so that you could barely ever get a good look at it, but I used to babysit two doors down and would walk the kids by it whenever I got the chance. It was huge and dark and dramatic, a house out of movies rather than the bland suburban neighbourhood it stood in. I always wondered what it looked like inside. Was it bigger than it looked from outside the gate... or was it much smaller, like re-visiting a place you loved as a kid and realizing it is, in fact, tiny. Was it as grand as it looked, or just ordinary? I worshipped that house and everything it represented to me 

as a child. 

Yesterday I drove by. In the passenger seat of my mom's car, I was gazing out the window when I saw... the emptiness. It had been torn down. I gasped. It made my stomach clench in repulsion. That beautiful house gone and for what? So that, like the rest of Richmond, it can be developed into three tiny, stupid, generic townhouses cramped onto one lot. I have witnessed the constant over development and changing of my hometown with a fair amount of ambivalence up until now. I, for the most part, understand (if not embrace) change. But this was too much. This was the destruction of a dream, the tearing down of a mythical palace from a little girl's imagination. I can't truly express how much it saddened me. Why do things that are so beautiful get torn down? How can the city allow that to happen? 

Today I hate change. And the developers that will stick up those ridiculous townhouses. Shame on them. These are days when I am proud that money doesn't mean everything to me. 

Today I hate change. 

(Photo via Paper Tissue)

Reconnection

The most amazing thing happened to me today. I am giddy with it. I woke up to a typical Sunday morning. My roommate/brother is touring so the apartment was mine alone. I was blissfully lazy, laying in bed while on my laptop. Facebook. Oh, Facebook. Such a love/hate relationship. Today I am grateful for it. 

I had a friend request, intriguing in itself. The name was so familiar. Unfathomable. I blinked in shock, genuinely stunned. My childhood best friend. A friend I only knew for a year in grade 4 before she moved away and I was left behind, devastated and heartbroken in the way you can only be when you are a kid of nine. This was long before the advent of computers in every household, email addresses and convenience. It was not like it is now, where people can maintain daily friendships from across the world. I never saw Sarah again. I think there was one letter and one phone call in the ensuing twenty years. Until today. 

We have been reunited after two decades and while in reality we are utter strangers, we have a hazy past that binds us, fuzzy memories that connect us across this continent, from Vancouver to Florida. I have one photo stored away in a box where I keep special things. It is her birthday party and we are doing a dance routine in poodle skirts (was it a dress up party? I guess so). I am doing the splits. The photo is fuzzy, in the way all photos were then. I must find it. Life has sent us in completely different directions but I don't think that matters. We are still those little girls somewhere inside us. The gift of technology has given us the chance to be friends again and I am beyond thrilled at the amazing opportunity. Hi, Sarah! 

Take that, Facebook doubters. 

Alone

Sometimes it is okay to feel really alone in this life. It's kind of true. We are, in fact, alone. Before you think I'm crazy, I need to say this isn't as depressing a thought as it sounds. We can fill our lives with people and places, but at the end of the day we are alone in our own minds. We are the only one who understands us. We are the only one who knows what goes on in our heads. We are the only ones it is safe to tell everything and anything to. It is okay. At times in this life I have felt really alone, in the worst sense, like maybe no one would ever understand me on a profound level or want to know me on that level. There are still days I am frustrated by how surface life can seem, how nothing seems to be real. Why are some things so fake? 

It's hard to learn these lessons sometimes but they are also incredibly valuable. Friends and family are wonderful but I am getting to be okay with myself. I don't particularly like feeling alone (despite loving and needing "me" time), but I'm getting to be more and more okay with it. As I grow (up? scary thought) I'm getting to like the person in this head more and more and that makes it easier to be solitary in these thoughts. Alone. Why is it such a scary concept? Why does it freak people (me) out? It doesn't have to be such a depressing concept. We are our own person. We need to like who we are, first and foremost. Get to know who you are when you are alone sometime. Be comfortable with yourself. It's not so bad. 

Brave

My advice to you: Be brave in your life. You truly only get one shot and to live your days scared is to waste those days. Be honest with yourself. Like, deeply honest. What do you want out of your life? What do you want right now? Try. Do. Go for it. I'm normally not this "ra ra ra" (that's my cheerleader impression), but this week something happened...

Here is my life lesson: I'm normally the kind of person that puts pride above honesty. If I feel hurt, like a wounded bird, I run (fly?) from the situation. I'm not normally brave either. I hate admitting my feelings, confrontation or asking for what I want. I was forced (by myself) to do all that this week and it was exhilarating to be so scarily honest. I never ever thought that asking for what I wanted would yield that result. I thought it was best to slink away. 

Here is what I learned. Sometimes being brave is just that. Acting courageous. Bravery does not guarantee that the situation will turn out as you hoped. But isn't it amazing to know that you were bold enough to try? True enough to yourself to ask for what you want? Even if you try and it doesn't work be proud for valuing yourself enough to ask. As someone super wise once said (have to find this quote, note to self), if you don't ask, the answer is always no. 

Be brave in your life. Just try it. You might like it.

 And if you already are~ I want to be like you when I grow up. 

Green Monster

Jealousy, envy, coveting~ whatever you call it, it's a nasty feeling. However, some days that evil green monster overtakes me. It's hard not to get caught up in comparisons sometimes but it's a thought pattern that can easily spiral out of control. Why does she have a better job than me? Why does she have more money? Why does she have a boyfriend? Why do things come so easily to her? It's easy to let these thoughts slip into our brains somedays, when we are feeling particularly vulnerable or low. It's a weakness that is sometimes a pleasurable pain to give into. Isn't jealousy just self pity at it's worst? 

In my 20s I got so caught up in what I didn't have and what others did. I always wanted more and often that green monster wrecked my day. Perspective. There will always always be people out there who are more successful, are better looking and have lots of money. Some people seem to have a charmed life on the surface and yet it doesn't mean they don't have the same doubts and insecurities (and jealousies!!) that others have. We all experience the same human emotions. Coveting what others have is a waste of time. A waste of your life! If there is something you want to change, get out there and try to do it instead of indulging in moments of pity (okay, give yourself that moment and then kick your butt out the door). It's a lesson I constantly have to learn~ but it's easier to get over now. Besides, you never know. While I am coveting fabulous blond girl's stupendous legs..... 

maybe, just maybe, she is in envy of my hair.